23rd Sunday in Ordinary Time 2026

 

Last week I heard a fascinating interview on NPR about something that seems to be getting a lot more attention these days: family estrangement—

parents and children,
brothers and sisters,
family members who simply no longer speak to one another.

What struck me was that many of these people didn't want to lose their families. In fact, many desperately wanted those relationships to work.

And that's when I heard a term I had never heard before: “the missing missing reasons.”

It describes situations where someone says, “I have absolutely no idea why my son won't talk to me anymore,” or, “I don't know why my daughter cut me out of her life.”

But sometimes there were reasons.

There had been conversations. There had been phone calls. There had been emails or letters explaining the hurt.

The reasons weren't really missing. They just weren't heard.

And that's what makes today's Gospel so interesting.

Jesus is talking about exactly this kind of situation: a relationship between two people who should love one another has been wounded.

“If your brother sins against you…”

Something has happened. Somebody has been hurt. A relationship is in danger of breaking.

And Jesus doesn't begin by telling us how to end the relationship.

He tells us how to try to save it.

And really, all of today's readings give us some remarkably practical advice about how to do that.

First, Ezekiel tells us: Speak.

God appoints Ezekiel as a watchman. If he sees someone going down the wrong road, he has a responsibility to say something.

Sometimes we convince ourselves that keeping quiet is the loving thing to do.

But sometimes love requires us to say:

“You hurt me.”

“I'm worried about you.”

“Something has happened between us, and we need to talk.”

We can't expect people to fix something if we've never told them it's broken.

But Ezekiel also teaches us something else important: we are responsible for speaking the truth in love. We are not responsible for controlling how the other person responds.

Then the Psalm gives us the other side:

Listen.

“If today you hear his voice, harden not your hearts.”

Because maybe I'm not the person who needs to confront someone.

Maybe I'm the person being confronted.

Maybe somebody has been trying to tell me that I've hurt them.

And instead of listening, I've been explaining.

Defending.

Making excuses.

Maybe the reasons aren't really missing.

Maybe I just don't want to hear them.

Then St. Paul gives us perhaps the most important advice of all:

Love.

“Owe nothing to anyone, except to love one another.”

Before we have that difficult conversation, maybe we should ask ourselves:

Why am I doing this?

Do I want to repair this relationship?

Or do I just want to tell this person off?

Do I want reconciliation?

Or vindication?

Do I want to win back my brother?

Or do I simply want to win?

Because Paul says love has to be underneath all of it.

And then Jesus gets extremely practical:

“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone.”

Go to the person.

Not six other people.

Not the family group text.

Not Facebook.

And certainly not, “I'm only telling you this so you'll pray for him.”

Go to the person.

And notice something else Jesus says:

“Between you and him alone.”

Protect the person's dignity.

Don't embarrass them.

Don't humiliate them.

Give them a chance to listen without an audience watching.

And if that doesn't work, Jesus says, bring one or two others along.

In other words: get some help.

Maybe this relationship is too important to give up on. Maybe we need somebody wise and trustworthy who can help us hear one another.

And then Jesus is also realistic.

Sometimes even after all of that, the other person won't listen.

Reconciliation cannot be forced.

That's important, especially when we're talking about family estrangement. There are situations involving abuse, manipulation, addiction, or serious harm where healthy boundaries are necessary.

Sometimes we can forgive someone and still recognize that the relationship cannot return to what it was.

Jesus doesn't tell us that every broken relationship will be repaired.

He tells us what we can do on our side to try.

And then comes what I think is the most beautiful line in the Gospel:

“If he listens to you, you have won over your brother.”

Notice what Jesus doesn't say.

You won the argument.

You proved you were right.

You finally put that person in their place.

No.

You won over your brother.

That's the goal.

And maybe there is a relationship in our lives right now that is beginning to break.

Before it becomes another story of estrangement, today's readings give us some very practical advice.

Speak honestly.

Listen humbly.

Act lovingly.

Go directly to the person.

Protect their dignity.

Ask for help when you need it.

And then entrust to God what you cannot control.

Because Jesus doesn't teach us how to win an argument.

He teaches us how to win back a brother or sister.

And sometimes, by the grace of God, winning back a brother, a sister, a parent, a child, or a friend is far more important than being right.